When People Say Stupid Thing

I haven’t told too many people about my infertility struggles. Just close friends, close co-workers, my parents and grandparents, but other then that we haven’t told too many people. I have to admit that not talking about it can be exhausting but so can talking about it. The one thing I have learned is that you don’t realize how many people are going through the same thing until you are going through it yourself. Infertility is something a lot of women deal with yet no one really wants to talk about it. When you do find someone going through the same thing it feels great to be able to relate and actually be able to talk the “IF lingo” and not have the other person look at you like you have two heads. Since I’ve become a bit more open about it at work, I have come to find 3 other nurses that are dealing with the same thing. I really enjoy talking to them about my struggles and it’s great knowing we are all routing for one another.
The part I find exhausting is talking to those who don’t “get” infertility. The ones who got pregnant from looking at their husbands penis, and so did all of their friends. I am so sick of being told the same answers over and over again, as I’m sure you can all relate to >
1. Just don’t think about it, and it will happen!
2. Maybe you’re trying too hard!
3. Don’t worry you’re still young!
4. Take a Vacation and get really drunk!
5. Give it time
6. Enjoy the time you have now, once you have kids everything changes.
……and so on!
Listen… these comments aren’t meant to be mean, even though they feel like a stab in the gut every time we hear them. We all know how powerful words can be, and how even the slightest little comment can linger in your head for hours or even days.
Saying things like “maybe you’re trying to hard” is probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever been told, and yet it’s probably the most popular answer I receive. Women dealing with infertility usually have less then a 1% chance of conceiving on their own so when I’m told that I’m trying to hard I just want to scream.
I find the best way to respond is to just tell them that their comments don’t help, and that you appreciate their concern but dealing with infertility has nothing to do with how much or how little you are having sex. People tend to say inappropriate things only because they don’t know what else to say. When those we love say stupid things, it’s not worth wasting your energy getting mad at them, although I know it can be hard not to; I’m pretty sure I’ve almost bit the tip of my tongue off at least 100 times - but I think it’s important to use their comments as an opportunity to educate them about the struggle of infertility, or even better just ignore the comments all together.
A lot of you have been writing about coming open about your struggles and letting everyone know you are having trouble getting pregnant. Kudos to you! I started to become more open about our IF struggles back in the fall when we started the process of our IUI’s, but now it seems like more then a few people I would like, know about it at work now. Which brings me to another comment I would add to the top of my list of annoying questions/answers; which is “Any News?”
Once people know you are trying to get pregnant, they constantly want to know if you’re expecting. I’ve had a few people come up to me and literally touch my stomach and say “Is there a baby in there yet?” ……. *Deep Breath*
This is one of the hardest things for me when it comes to those knowing about us TTC. It’s like not only are you dealing with your own disappointment but now you have to handle their disappointment too. I try and remind everyone that no news probably means no good news. The opposite of what you are usually told. I guess when you are asked this question the best thing to do is just tell them that you’ll let them know when you have some good news to share.
After our IUI’s failed I was so heartbroken and so sick of being asked that I started to tell people we weren’t trying anymore. I believe I even wrote on here that we were going to take a 6 month break. Which was the truth; but when we found out Dr. Soliman was going to take on our case it was such good news I couldn’t not tell anyone. I didn’t realize that we would be so immersed in this treatment that I would regret coming out of the “we’re not trying anymore” closet. Everything is so much more personal now and in depth that I am finding it harder and harder. It doesn’t help that every time I’m at work someone asks about it. I just wish I could go one day without being questioned.
I hate infertility, we all do, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, but I’d like to end this post on a happy note and to tell you the truth, if I had to really think positive for a moment and find one positive thing about this journey of infertility, it would be how well I have gotten to know my body. So many women I know who have had no trouble getting pregnant, sadly know nothing about their bodies. They don’t know about ovulation, follicles, uterine lining, LH or Progesterone. These are things I’m kind of thankful I do know so much about. If one thing, my knowledge of the female body and even the male body has expanded ten fold and I’m happy about that.
Anyways I hope this post helps you with dealing with the stupid comments friends and family tend to say to you and just know you’re not alone. We all want to lash out when we’re told ignorant things about trying to get pregnant but just remember what our mothers always told us - If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all :P
xo
~*A